I get so excited when I hear that people are creating content online, or that they want to. I immediately want to connect. I want to hear about what they are doing and what they hope to do. I do get the feeling that I can come across as too much but the thing I’ve been believing for others and effectively myself too is that our “too muchness” is exactly the right fit for the exact right people.
There are a lot of reasons to get excited about hearing that others are in this content creating space. To get to connect to them through their stories, their humor, their creative spark- it’s a doorway into someone’s world, to see what they care about and who they are. I love to support and share ideas and encouragement so much. I’m dreaming and trying to manifest how it will feel to hear someone say, “Oh my gosh, you are awesome. You have exactly what I need to make this project fun and to make it actually happen.”
At this point, however- It feels like I have been walking in a massive cave with a flashlight and I’m trying to conserve my battery (because there is no telling just how big this thing is-) and I turn it on now and then and look for clues of what to do or where I am. I turn it on wondering where the people I’m supposed to meet up with are. And turn it off and hope I haven’t wasted too much time since the last 300 times I tried nothing happened then either.
Wow. This analogy is really hitting home, as I’m writing it I’m feeling my chest feel tight and I’m holding my breath and I kind of want to cry.
I’ve been in this cave for a long time. I wonder what the flashlight and batteries represent? Maybe it’s the spark inside. My driving force. My me-ness. My gifts and abilities and passions to give the world. Fear is a river that runs through me everywhere I go. So I have to operate in courage all the time. Maybe that is a normal state of being. I don’t know. I only remember existing in this meat suit. There’s fear of letting people down, not being liked, not being wanted, not being enough, wasting time, not being taken seriously, not being heard, being judged,
I can help others find their way through the cave but not myself. Here I write words and don’t know who will ever read them.
It’s probably also important to remember that being able to name the feelings means that I’m capable of separating myself from them. Feeling and naming is a huge key to growth, and it’s some of the bravest work any of us can do. It’s not hiding from what is hard, and it’s being willing and able to ask- what IS this thing and what am I supposed to learn from it?
Maybe reading this opened something up inside of you and made you aware of a lost and longing feeling inside. Come with me and let’s figure out what to do next together.
